you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
