Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
