I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
