Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
