You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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