Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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