I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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