When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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