I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
