Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
