if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
