my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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