You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
