You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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