if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
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...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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