Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
