Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
