and she was petting her beer can
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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