i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
