I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
