I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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