i think my tv is drunk
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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