Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
