She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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