It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
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you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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