Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize