well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
