I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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