Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
