I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
