What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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