3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
