The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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