I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
