I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
