Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
