Do you still have your period?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
