Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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