Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
