New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
