my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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