I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
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Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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