I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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