did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
