I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
