I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
