I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want to have your abortion
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
