Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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