i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
