He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Randomize
