Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I am mentally ready for anal.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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