20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
