I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
