My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
