I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
