I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
