i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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