we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
it's great music for shaving your balls
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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