sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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