I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
