Everything about him screamed your future.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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