totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
